i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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