It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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