shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
