I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
