i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
