I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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