he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just invented taco cereal.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
