yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
