ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
