I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
