I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
