For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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