just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
we're so committed to being not committed
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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