drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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