Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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