oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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