This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
