apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
