i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
