She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
