i think my mom watched the whole time
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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