I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
