He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
