I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
