My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I think I sprained my soul last night
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
