I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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