Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
