You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
