So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
