I only kidnapped one of them. chill
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
