im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
