Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
