If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
