nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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