I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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