sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
