I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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