woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
