Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize