he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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