he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
