I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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