so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
