i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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