Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
