nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
i think my cat just said my name.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
