just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
