I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
