this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
