good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
