I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
