so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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