Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
