just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
