I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
